things I want my son to know

I'm going to start off with the most awkward of notions and say that  "more than two shakes is playing with yourself" is the least of my concerns. I don't care what you do, as long as you never put anything inside yourself, because it will get stuck. Also, never play with yourself in the swimming pool because your intestines will get sucked into the pool filter.

See? That's it.

I don't care who you bring home. Black, white, guy, girl, whatever. As long as they're not a Yankees fan.
I'm kidding.
But not really.

It's never okay to hurt an animal.

It's never okay to hurt another person. Unless, they were trying to hurt you. In that case, feel free to fuck their shit up.

You are going to put up with a lot of bullshit from girls. This is something you are going to have to deal with, because at the end of the day, girls always have it harder. It may seem like they have it easy, trust me, there is nothing harder than being a girl.

That being said, any girl who picks the asshole over the nice guy is probably not worth it, and probably a whore anyway. For every nice guy thats been screwed over, there's a nice girl whose never even been noticed.

Never sell out your old friends for the new ones. Just because today you are Bart, doesn't mean that tomorrow you wont be Milhouse.

School isn't for everyone. But I ask that you at least give it a chance.

If a girl thinks you are being misogynistic by opening the door for her, or paying for her, she's probably not right for you. Always hold the door open.

If you want to be in a rock band, that's fine. If you want to be a gymnast, that's fine. If you want to be the grand marshal in a drag queen parade, that's fine. We don't care what you do, as long as you're doing it for you.

There is no magical book, or website, or forwarded email list, or advice column set to music that will hold all the keys to living a good life.

Just because we don't go to church on Sundays doesn't mean we are faithless.

It's true that its okay to color outside the lines. But sometimes the picture looks better if you dont.

If you're not sure about something, ask. I'd rather an awkward moment in the kitchen one night  than an awkward moment the next day in the principal's office.

The expression "what is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular" is true. However, it doesn't just apply to high school or peer pressure. Sometimes it will seem like the entire world has gone mad except for you (and maybe Jon Stewart), even if you have to become a hermit, and live in the woods, you should never let anyone convince you that your beliefs are wrong.

If aliens should ever invade, or some kind of secret government reanimation virus is ever released, your father and I have a survival plan. The minute there is any kind of warning sign, you are to meet us in the hallway closet. The deep one, not the coat one.

I would be happy if you decided to get tattoos and piercings, but I understand if you choose to wear Gap polo shirts, and those kahqi things....

Sometimes, things take time. When I first met your father, I thought he was a disease. He has grown on me considerably. Always keep your options open.

That being said, never falsify your intentions.

Everyone hurts, and everyone has horrible times in their life. It is never okay to hurt yourself. Sometimes, laying in bed listening to music can help. Sometimes beating the shit out of the couch can help. Sometimes it cant. It's okay to ask for help.

That being said, not everything someone in a lab coat, or a uniform, or a suit says is with your best interest in mind. It may sound cynical, but take everything with at least a tiny grain of salt.

Just because some people have an agenda, doesn't mean that most people aren't inherently good.

Nobody that hurts children is good. In any way.

You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that one time in your life, you shit your pants and used your dirty diaper to redecorate your room and to brush your teeth.

Math is hard.

Art is harder.

I don't care if you pick your nose, just please don't wipe it on anything.

You should learn a foreign language. My suggestion would be Mandarin. By this time you probably have three Chinese siblings. Or maybe China has taken over the world via hypnotizing cell phones or assassin gymnasts. Either way, you're covered.

There will be times that your father and I embarrass you. Please understand that we totally did this on purpose and laughed about it over beverages that you cannot legally purchase yet.

There are many lists like this one. Most of them tell you stupid shit like "dance". I ask that you refrain from this for two reasons. The first being that you are male. The second being that you are white.

It will become obvious to you when you are older, that you were not planned. That doesn't mean that you were not loved and protected fiercely the moment you were discovered. I hope that if you are ever in the same situation, you are as fierce.

I love you more than anything in the world, but your father was here first, so forgive me if I take his side in an argument between the two of you. You will understand when you are older that marriage and parenting is the most important partnership you will ever be a part of.

You are my favorite. For now.